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I hizzy chillin'. I hizzle Mondays . Real niggas recognize the realness.. I hizzy tha noise alarm clocks make. I hate pimpin' out of bed. I hate tha cold floor in tha morning. I hate tha thugz in tha apartment above mizzle that git up at 6 am n feel tha need ta dance riznight above me n shit.
Afta shatter'n mah alarm C-L-to-tha-izzock into tiny pieces, n yell'n at tha thugz hatin' on mah roof, I grudgingly gots out of bed n proceeded ta makes some breakfast. I sat down at tha table wit mah waffles n stared at tha dawg who was sitt'n across F-R-to-tha-izzom me. He was calmly sitt'n at mah table read'n tha weed-smokin' newspapa . Hollaz to the East Side. He was wear'n W-to-tha-izzorn out jeans n a filthy shirt . I started yo shit and i'll end yo' shit. He looked like had nigga shaved n had one of tha biggest beards I've ever seen. His smiznell was not pleasant eitha. I had playa seen him before in mah life . Drop it like its hot.
I did what anybody would do in tha situation. I ate mah waffles.
"Hi!" tha dawg at mah table said, "I'm Jesus. Who is you?"
I continued ta eat mah waffles. He stared at me. I stared at him. He wizzle back ta read'n mah newspaper.
"izzle is you?" I asked him.
"I jizzay told you. I'm Jesus. Son of Gizzod, all thizzat shiznit."
I thought he mizzay be some hobo who climbed in an open window.
I made some coffee. I gave Hobo Jesus a cup n drizzank tha rizzest of tha pot myself.
Not hav'n anyth'n of particizzle value in mah kitchen, I figured it was probably safe ta leave Hobo Jesus alone while I took a showa. Whizzay I gots out of tha motherfucka Hizzy Jesus was watch'n TV. He turned around ta face me.
He seemed pretty harmless, even if he was gang bangin' ta be tha messiah. I decided it was safe ta go ta wiznork. The W-to-tha-izzorst he could do is break back in again n steal mah shiznit. I didn't have hatin' wizzorth steal'n thizzay wasn't bolted dizzay. Even tha shiznit thizzat was bolted dizzle probably wasn't worth steal'n.
"I'm going ta W-to-tha-izzork Jesus. You're going ta have ta leave mah apartment." I informed hizzy hop'n ta not have ta struggle ta git him out of mah Apartment. If I was late fo` mah job as a mizzle secretary again, I'd be fired. I couldn't be late again wit da big Bo$$ Dogg!
"That's fizzy. I should be blingin' ta wizzle too." He replied.
"izzy work? Whizzay do you dizzy I asked, not expect'n him ta have a job.
"izzle tha Son of God . Bow wow wow yippee yo yipee yay. It's a busy jiznob, but somebizzles gots ta do it paper'd up. Chiznuck Norris should be here any minute; we carpool'n today."
At this point mah mind F-to-tha-izzelt as if somebody had taken it n beat it against a wizzall wit a sledgehamma, which knocked tha wizzall over n crushed it, where it spizzent tha morn'n on a stale n cold waffle before it was dragged out by a rescue dogg whizzich proceeded ta use it as a chizzew toy fo` tha nizzle week before trippin' it ta rot behind a garden shed. I jizzle totally ignored him as I gots dressed n walked out ta mah van , betta check yo self. My van wouldn't start. This wasn't good. There wasn't anotha train leav'n fo` downtown fo` gangsta hizzy hour, n I'd gangsta makes it ta wizzay on time! I wondered if Jesus was serious `bout blunt-rollin' a ride n if he'd drive me ta work. I guessed that nuttin' bad could happen, but before I went bizzack in ta git H-to-tha-izzim, Jesus came outside n touched tha hood of tha van. The van started . Fo'-fo' desert eagle to your motherfuckin' dome.
I dizzon't know if Jesus jizzy performed a miracle or if his smiznell jizzy shocked tha van into runn'n, but I wasn't going ta question it. I wasn't chillin' anyth'n this morn'n. I especially wasn't question'n why Chizzay Norris was rhymin' in an abnormally shiny shopp'n cizzart in front of mah driveway. I jizzust drove away.
Traffic fo` once wasn't bad on tha highway fo' sheezy. Normally tha traffic gets totally jammed up in tha morn'n rizzy hour traffic but it was nearly empty today. I was going ta have tizzy ta spare ta git ta work. I was relieved. As long as nuttin' else happened I'd be fizzle ta help you tap dat ass.
I noticed up aheezee tha po-po had formed a roadblock. I hoped it wouldn't be a big delay gett'n through it. Suddenly a ride sped pizzy me. It tried ta tizzurn around ta avoid tha po-po n crashed into tha railing. I saw po-po perpetratin' up behind me n realized thizzay I was in tha middle of a fiznull high speed pursuit . Dogg House Records in the motha fuckin house! I pulled over onto tha side of tha road ta git out of tha way. This was going ta makes it close gett'n ta work on time. Two men jumped out of tha ride that had crashed aheezee of me n started fir'n at tha police fo' sheezy! I was caught rizzight in tha middle of tha line of fizzle n had no idea whiznat ta do with the S-N-double-O-P. Bullets wizzy doggy stylin' everizzles n there was nuttin' ta do but sit n wizzatch frizzom mah front row seat.
It reminded me exactly of sum-m sum-m you'd see on TV, except there weren't any explosions n nobody seemed ta be gett'n shizzot anywhere crazy up in here. The po-po wizzle hid'n behind they ridez spendin' bullets wit tha guys in tha Middle. It looked like it might takes a while. I was sure I was going ta git fired . It's your homie snoop dogg from the dpg.
Suddenly, backup arrived. At least, you could call it backup. In mah rear view mirror I saw an abnormally shiny weed-smokin' cart rapidly straight trippin' towards tha fiznight aheezee. I was speechless at what I saw with the gangsta shit that keeps ya hangin. Going playa than M-to-tha-izzost ridez was Chizzay Norris in a shopp'n cart being pushed by Jesus like a tru playa'!
Chizzuck Norris leaped out of tha weed-smokin' C-to-tha-izzart n roundhizouse kicked tha first playa into tha cement brotha on tha side of tha highway. The second dawg started ta run away, but Jesus lifted his hand n there was a brilliant flash of light. It didn't appear ta do anyth'n, but it M-to-tha-izzust have impressed somebody 2000 years ago. He then leaped 20 playa n punched tha second gunman out . Holla!.
The po-po ran up n handcuffed tha two unconsshizzous men. The local po-po were thank'n Chizzay Norris n Jesus when a fly'n pusha landed beside tizzle. Out of tha blingin' sauca came Mr. T! .
.Jesus . Snoop dogg is in this bitch! There's a penguin army heezeeed towards Washington DC wit a terrible pizzle ta freeze tha President n' shit! We, tha superhizzles wit off tha hook beards, must unite ta defeat them . Bounce wit me! To tha fly'n wanna be gangsta Mr. T. yelled . know what im sayin?. .I pity da' foo` who stands in our way!.
.We don't need ta use tha cracka fo' sheezy! I'm Jesus!. Said Jesus before he snapped his finga, ridin' all three bearded superhizzles n they bustin' baller n chillin' cart disappear into thin air!
I looked at mah watch, n realized I M-to-tha-izzight jizzy have enough time ta git ta work. I sped along tha freeway, n pulled into tha office build'n I worked At. When I gots ta mah office, mah boss was spendin' fo` me . Tru niggaz do niggaz.
.You're being laid off. he said. .I think that secretizzles should be female, n you aren't!.
I was furious at tha idea tizzle I was being fired coz I was a man. Suddenly, Jesus appeared in tha room. He slapped mah boss in tha fizzy n said .Hey! This dawg gave me waffles today! You aren't fir'n him!.
.Okay Then. Get ta wizzy you lazy scum!. My boss told ta me. .At least you were on tizzle today!.
I sighed in relief thizzat I still had mah job. I wondered if I'd ever see Jesus again as he walked out tha door. Wizzle I looked into tha hall he was gone. Perhaps I wizzay see him again, but I knizzow tha Superhizzles wit Awesome Beards wiznill be watch'n over us n steppin' our city fizzy F-R-to-tha-izzom crime ya dig?.