I hate mornings. I hate Mondays. I hate the noise alarm clocks make.  I hate getting out of bed.  I hate the cold floor in the morning.  I hate the people in the apartment above mine that get up at 6 am and feel the need to dance right above me.

    After shattering my alarm clock into tiny pieces, and yelling at the people dancing on my roof, I grudgingly got out of bed and proceeded to make some breakfast. I sat down at the table with my waffles and stared at the man who was sitting across from me. He was calmly sitting at my table reading the morning newspaper. He was wearing worn out jeans and a filthy shirt. He looked like had never shaved and had one of the biggest beards I've ever seen.  His smell was not pleasant either. I had never seen him before in my life.

    I did what anybody would do in the situation. I ate my waffles.

    "Hi!" the man at my table said, "I'm Jesus. Who are you?"

    I continued to eat my waffles.  He stared at me.  I stared at him.  He went back to reading my newspaper. 

    "Who are you?" I asked him.

    "I just told you. I'm Jesus. Son of God, all that stuff."

    I thought he must be some hobo who climbed in an open window.

    I made some coffee. I gave Hobo Jesus a cup and drank the rest of the pot myself. 

    Not having anything of particular value in my kitchen, I figured it was probably safe to leave Hobo Jesus alone while I took a shower. When I got out of the shower, Hobo Jesus was watching TV. He turned around to face me.

    He seemed pretty harmless, even if he was claiming to be the messiah. I decided it was safe to go to work. The worst he could do is break back in again and steal my stuff. I didn't have anything worth stealing that wasn't bolted down. Even the stuff that was bolted down probably wasn't worth stealing.

    "I'm going to work Jesus. You're going to have to leave my apartment." I informed him, hoping to not have to struggle to get him out of my apartment.  If I was late for my job as a male secretary again, I'd be fired.  I couldn't be late again!

    "That's fine. I should be getting to work too." He replied.

    "You work? What do you do?" I asked, not expecting him to have a job.

    "I'm the Son of God. It's a busy job, but somebody's got to do it. Chuck Norris should be here any minute; we're carpooling today."

    At this point my mind felt as if somebody had taken it and beat it against a wall with a sledgehammer, which knocked the wall over and crushed it, where it spent the morning on a stale and cold waffle before it was dragged out by a rescue dog which proceeded to use it as a chew toy for the next week before leaving it to rot behind a garden shed. I just totally ignored him as I got dressed and walked out to my van. My van wouldn't start.  This wasn't good.  There wasn't another train leaving for downtown for another half hour, and I'd never make it to work on time!  I wondered if Jesus was serious about having a car and if he'd drive me to work.  I guessed that nothing bad could happen, but before I went back in to get him, Jesus came outside and touched the hood of the van. The van started.

    I don't know if Jesus just performed a miracle or if his smell just shocked the van into running, but I wasn't going to question it. I wasn't questioning anything this morning. I especially wasn't questioning why Chuck Norris was sitting in an abnormally shiny shopping cart in front of my driveway. I just drove away.

    Traffic for once wasn't bad on the highway. Normally the traffic gets totally jammed up in the morning rush hour traffic but it was nearly empty today.  I was going to have time to spare to get to work.  I was relieved.  As long as nothing else happened I'd be fine.

     I noticed up ahead the police had formed a roadblock.  I hoped it wouldn't be a big delay getting through it.  Suddenly a car sped past me.  It tried to turn around to avoid the police and crashed into the railing.  I saw police coming up behind me and realized that I was in the middle of a full high speed pursuit! I pulled over onto the side of the road to get out of the way.  This was going to make it close getting to work on time.  Two men jumped out of the car that had crashed ahead of me and started firing at the police! I was caught right in the middle of the line of fire and had no idea what to do. Bullets were flying everywhere, and there was nothing to do but sit and watch from my front row seat.

    It reminded me exactly of something you'd see on TV, except there weren't any explosions and nobody seemed to be getting shot anywhere. The police were hiding behind their cars exchanging bullets with the guys in the middle.  It looked like it might take a while.  I was sure I was going to get fired.

    Suddenly, backup arrived. At least, you could call it backup. In my rear view mirror I saw an abnormally shiny shopping cart rapidly advancing towards the fight ahead. I was speechless at what I saw. Going faster than most cars was Chuck Norris in a shopping cart being pushed by Jesus!

    Chuck Norris leaped out of the shopping cart and roundhouse kicked the first shooter into the cement barrier on the side of the highway. The second man started to run away, but Jesus lifted his hand and there was a brilliant flash of light. It didn't appear to do anything, but it must have impressed somebody 2000 years ago. He then leaped 20 meters and punched the second gunman out.

    The police ran up and handcuffed the two unconscious men. The local police were thanking Chuck Norris and Jesus when a flying saucer landed beside them. Out of the flying saucer came Mr. T! 
 
“Jesus! There's a penguin army headed towards Washington DC with a terrible plot to freeze the President! We, the superheroes with awesome beards, must unite to defeat them! To the flying saucer!” Mr. T. yelled. “I pity da' fool who stands in our way!”

    “We don't need to use the saucer! I'm Jesus!” Said Jesus before he snapped his fingers, making all three bearded superheroes and their flying saucer and shopping cart disappear into thin air!

    I looked at my watch, and realized I might just have enough time to get to work.  I sped along the freeway, and pulled into the office building I worked at.  When I got to my office, my boss was waiting for me.

    “You're being laid off” he said.  “I think that secretaries should be female, and you aren't!”

    I was furious at the idea that I was being fired because I was a man.  Suddenly, Jesus appeared in the room.  He slapped my boss in the face and said “Hey!  This man gave me waffles today!  You aren't firing him!”

    “Okay then.  Get to work you lazy scum!” My boss told to me. “At least you were on time today!”

    I sighed in relief that I still had my job.  I wondered if I'd ever see Jesus again as he walked out the door.  When I looked into the hall he was gone.  Perhaps I won't see him again, but I know the Superheroes with Awesome Beards will be watching over us and keeping our city free from crime.